Wednesday, June 22, 2011

You gotta know when to hold 'em....know when to fold 'em....know when to walk away...know when to run.

I've heard running called an addiction. There was a time in my life when I'd laugh out loud at the idea.

I'm not laughing now.

I really enjoy doing it....I've gotten myself healthier than I've been in years.....lost upwards of 40-50 lbs doing it. I've gone down a million dress sizes.....I actually traded out my kayak for a smaller one.

At first I was only able to run inside, on a treadmill. But eventually, with the help of medical professionals, I was cleared to finally run outside. Complete half marathons, 10k's, 5K's, Duathlons......

I have more energy during the day. I went on a week long backpacking trip and kept up with the boys I was hiking with.

And now, I can't run.

I had a spark of hope yesterday, after running in my orthotics. Sure, the same pain was there in my legs, but it wasn't any worse. There was still hope.

I went out to run a mile or two again in them last night.

At .75 miles I turned around...limping. With .25 miles left to home I took my shoes and socks off. I was three blocks from home and had my cell phone out to call my husband to come and get me.

I went through a shoulder reconstruction surgery and only cried from frustration. Last night, I was crying in pain. It was everything I could do, to not just sit down on the sidewalk, right there in front of everyone, and start bawling.

I fought through it, barefoot, and broke down the minute I got into the house.

The muscle...the stupid muscle...that runs along the inside of my lower legs, was on fire. From ankle to nearly my knee. And, not only was there a hot metal poker, but it was an electrified electrified poker. It burned, it twitched, it cramped.

By the time I'd gotten home, my calf muscles had joined the pain party. Maybe they felt left out???

I went immediately to our bedroom.....pushed my face into the mattress, and cried harder than I've cried in a long time.

Yes, I was frustrated.....but my legs hurt so d*mn bad.

And once my brain turned to the negative, I couldn't stop the floodgates.

1) I'd spent money on these stupid crappy custom orthotics, that only seemed to make things worse, not better.
2) I'd spent money on new shoes to hopefully help...and that didn't work either.
3) I've spent money to enter a full marathon in October. I can't train for it with 1-2 miles at a time....once or twice a week. Pretty sure that's not going to work.
4) I love doing it.....and it just seems that everything is telling me I shouldn't be.

I can't get my head around what has changed from last year. I trained from May through October for my first half....with little to no pain what-so-ever.

The only thing that was different, was the physical therapist I started used. Last year was "C"...this year it's "A".

So, today I called and made an appointment with "C". She's in the same office I'm already going once a week...but I still feel as though I'm cheating on "A". "A"'s good, she's doing the same things my PT from last year did, but I'm going to talk to "C" none the less.

I'm kinda at the end of my rope. I mean, compared to now, the pain I was feeling at the beginning of the year is peanuts. Is all of this monkeying around just making things worse? Seems like it.

I'm excited for my appointment with "C" tonight. Can't wait to hear what she has to say.


Fran said...

Jen I'm so sorry to hear this. But I can't help but thinking that maybe it's time to stop running for a while and see what that does with your pain. Try swimming or biking or something else for a while. I know that must be hard for you but it sounds to me running isn't fun right now.

Is it possible you can get your money back? Here we have up to a month before an event to cancel and we'll get our money back.

Good luck sweety, my heart cries for you too.

Anonymous said...

I am not sure what I would do in your situation, but my gut tells me I'd probably have given up. Your perserverence is amazing!